I cannot emphasize enough how much I value my personal space. If I’m actually in a relationship, that’s different. I would love to be spoiled with attention and affection all the time. After all, keeping the passion alive is important and also tends to decrease the longer you’ve been together. But even then it’s definitely necessary to have some time apart and give each other a little space. If anything it only makes you closer if you have some time to miss each other.
However, if we’re still in the “dating” phase or just getting to know each other, it really means a lot to me that a guy respects my wish to take things slow. I have been through enough to know that everything is always golden in the beginning and the test of time is really the only way to determine true compatibility and longevity. I am not one of those chicks who moves according to some silly timeline (i.e. we have to wait 3 months to have sex, 5 months to become official, 1 year to move in, etc.) because I feel you have to go with the flow. But I still feel very strongly about taking our time.
And taking our time means getting to know each other very well. I’m talking several dates, deep conversation, experiencing different things together and THEN being able to decide whether or not you want to be in a relationship with that person. Because to me, relationships are very serious. I would not enter into one unless both of us developed feelings, were ready for commitment and had chemistry that was beyond initial excitement or physical attraction. I really do not have time to waste in a meaningless relationship so I’d have to make sure it were something special that was actually going somewhere.
Honestly, I don’t even feel comfortable inviting someone to my home right away, just because you can’t allow everyone to know where you live these days. Again, I have been through enough to know better. And that goes for sexual involvement as well. We have all made exceptions before (including myself) but at this point in my life, I’d have to know someone pretty well and trust them to actually sleep with them. A friend of mine works at a gynecologist office and has me scared to death with paranoia about the STDs out here. You just can’t lay down with anyone or take that risk. And both these things are steps I would want to explore before entering into a relationship, personally. So typically it would be a few months, depending on the situation. See, I feel like people have so many problems in life (failed marriages, baby daddy/mama drama, etc.) because they tend to dash into things without seeing the bigger picture. I understand that everyone makes mistakes and the beauty of life is that you learn from them and grow into a better person. Sometimes you do have to go with your heart. But never JUST your heart. I am just trying to avoid any unnecessary problems or undesirable outcomes if at all possible.
So every time I meet a guy, I make it a point to establish my feelings on this subject on the first date so they are well aware of the pace I’d like to take. Perhaps this is the wrong approach because apparently it is totally counterproductive. Either I am a great catch among a sea of undesirable women, or these guys are just plain insane. I don’t understand how you think you know a person after only going out with them on a few dates. I’m even more puzzled as to why you’d want to lock someone down without knowing them well enough. Countless guys I have encountered want to settle down right away, which boggles my mind because it’s usually the woman that is supposed to want to settle, right? Yet at the same time, I am pretty sure they would go running if a girl indicated that she wanted to settle down right away. How is that for reverse psychology? Instead when a woman states that she is trying to take her time and isn’t sure if she wants a relationship right away, it’s like uttering magical words or something. This drives them crazy. A woman that is a challenge and not automatically attainable. They don’t know how to act.
I have recently experienced this yet again and that is why I am so frustrated and pouring my thoughts out into this blog. I normally do not discuss my love life online because I try to keep super personal things like that to myself. But after taking a long break from the dating world, this one guy was begging me to be his woman within a week of our first date. I am talking about calling insistently and telling me to move my stuff into his house. It honestly turned me off immediately. Again, not even 7 full days had passed. We had great potential too but a man who presents himself as clingy and needy right away is the biggest red flag possible to me. I can’t help but assume they are like this with every woman they meet. Because surely it can’t just be ME that is making them act this way.
I mean… I am not trying to be modest here either. I am well aware that I have a lot going for me and bring a lot of great qualities that any man would love. I am attractive, educated, intelligent, kind and generous; spiritual, have a great career and sense of humor; I am all about cooking and cleaning; and I love football and sex more than many men. Pretty good package, not to toot my own horn. But that still does not mean any man should want to jump into a relationship with me. I have my flaws like everyone else and I would expect a man to want to explore those as well. I believe when you’re with someone you accept them for both the good and the bad, but how can you do that when you do not even know the bad yet?
Because I know my worth and also because I have been through a lot in relationships, I would never settle. So I go into situations cautiously and I do not believe everything I am fed. I am more of an actions girl rather than a talk girl. If a guy can show me he’s consistent over the period of a few weeks or months, then I will most likely be letting my guards down little by little and giving him more of my time, which is a big step for me. I usually do not see a guy more than once or twice a week in the beginning and gradually increase it based on our progress. We make time for what we want to make time for, don’t we? See, I am an extremely busy lady. With a blossoming career, going back to grad school soon, taking care of my grandmother, spending at least an hour in the gym every day, and attempting to balance some sort of social life; my time is extremely valuable and limited. If a guy cares about me, he will respect what I have going on and support me unconditionally, which includes letting me take my time. That will, in turn, make me want to be with him even more. But instead I am constantly losing interest or cutting people off because I do not do well with feeling pressured.
However, if we’re still in the “dating” phase or just getting to know each other, it really means a lot to me that a guy respects my wish to take things slow. I have been through enough to know that everything is always golden in the beginning and the test of time is really the only way to determine true compatibility and longevity. I am not one of those chicks who moves according to some silly timeline (i.e. we have to wait 3 months to have sex, 5 months to become official, 1 year to move in, etc.) because I feel you have to go with the flow. But I still feel very strongly about taking our time.
And taking our time means getting to know each other very well. I’m talking several dates, deep conversation, experiencing different things together and THEN being able to decide whether or not you want to be in a relationship with that person. Because to me, relationships are very serious. I would not enter into one unless both of us developed feelings, were ready for commitment and had chemistry that was beyond initial excitement or physical attraction. I really do not have time to waste in a meaningless relationship so I’d have to make sure it were something special that was actually going somewhere.
Honestly, I don’t even feel comfortable inviting someone to my home right away, just because you can’t allow everyone to know where you live these days. Again, I have been through enough to know better. And that goes for sexual involvement as well. We have all made exceptions before (including myself) but at this point in my life, I’d have to know someone pretty well and trust them to actually sleep with them. A friend of mine works at a gynecologist office and has me scared to death with paranoia about the STDs out here. You just can’t lay down with anyone or take that risk. And both these things are steps I would want to explore before entering into a relationship, personally. So typically it would be a few months, depending on the situation. See, I feel like people have so many problems in life (failed marriages, baby daddy/mama drama, etc.) because they tend to dash into things without seeing the bigger picture. I understand that everyone makes mistakes and the beauty of life is that you learn from them and grow into a better person. Sometimes you do have to go with your heart. But never JUST your heart. I am just trying to avoid any unnecessary problems or undesirable outcomes if at all possible.
So every time I meet a guy, I make it a point to establish my feelings on this subject on the first date so they are well aware of the pace I’d like to take. Perhaps this is the wrong approach because apparently it is totally counterproductive. Either I am a great catch among a sea of undesirable women, or these guys are just plain insane. I don’t understand how you think you know a person after only going out with them on a few dates. I’m even more puzzled as to why you’d want to lock someone down without knowing them well enough. Countless guys I have encountered want to settle down right away, which boggles my mind because it’s usually the woman that is supposed to want to settle, right? Yet at the same time, I am pretty sure they would go running if a girl indicated that she wanted to settle down right away. How is that for reverse psychology? Instead when a woman states that she is trying to take her time and isn’t sure if she wants a relationship right away, it’s like uttering magical words or something. This drives them crazy. A woman that is a challenge and not automatically attainable. They don’t know how to act.
I have recently experienced this yet again and that is why I am so frustrated and pouring my thoughts out into this blog. I normally do not discuss my love life online because I try to keep super personal things like that to myself. But after taking a long break from the dating world, this one guy was begging me to be his woman within a week of our first date. I am talking about calling insistently and telling me to move my stuff into his house. It honestly turned me off immediately. Again, not even 7 full days had passed. We had great potential too but a man who presents himself as clingy and needy right away is the biggest red flag possible to me. I can’t help but assume they are like this with every woman they meet. Because surely it can’t just be ME that is making them act this way.
I mean… I am not trying to be modest here either. I am well aware that I have a lot going for me and bring a lot of great qualities that any man would love. I am attractive, educated, intelligent, kind and generous; spiritual, have a great career and sense of humor; I am all about cooking and cleaning; and I love football and sex more than many men. Pretty good package, not to toot my own horn. But that still does not mean any man should want to jump into a relationship with me. I have my flaws like everyone else and I would expect a man to want to explore those as well. I believe when you’re with someone you accept them for both the good and the bad, but how can you do that when you do not even know the bad yet?
Because I know my worth and also because I have been through a lot in relationships, I would never settle. So I go into situations cautiously and I do not believe everything I am fed. I am more of an actions girl rather than a talk girl. If a guy can show me he’s consistent over the period of a few weeks or months, then I will most likely be letting my guards down little by little and giving him more of my time, which is a big step for me. I usually do not see a guy more than once or twice a week in the beginning and gradually increase it based on our progress. We make time for what we want to make time for, don’t we? See, I am an extremely busy lady. With a blossoming career, going back to grad school soon, taking care of my grandmother, spending at least an hour in the gym every day, and attempting to balance some sort of social life; my time is extremely valuable and limited. If a guy cares about me, he will respect what I have going on and support me unconditionally, which includes letting me take my time. That will, in turn, make me want to be with him even more. But instead I am constantly losing interest or cutting people off because I do not do well with feeling pressured.
Perhaps one day I will find a man keen enough to find the perfect symmetry between courting a young lady and giving her appropriate space. Until then I am left asking the same question repeatedly until I am discouraged to the point where I do not even want to date anymore…. WHAT’S THE RUSH?!
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