I have a love/hate relationship with my generation. One of
the things on the love side is how open-minded and free we are. I love that we
have tattoos, dye our hair pink and blue, and express ourselves by any means.
However, I can’t help but “feel some type of way” about some of the fashion
trends I have witnessed over the recent years. While shaving the sides of your
head, getting facial piercings, and wearing rock band tee shirts is super hip
now, I vividly remember the day when these things made you a complete social
outcast.
A lot of people may not know this about me, as this hasn’t
been something I talk about openly or very often, but… I once went through a “goth”
phase. And I’m not talking about Hot Topic kids that listen to Marilyn Manson
goth, I’m talking the real thing (yes there’s a difference, and you’d have to
really be goth to know it….). This wasn't something I found and got into, it
was something that found me, undoubtedly due to the influence of my dad. While
I have never doubted his love for me, during my elementary school years he was
really self-involved and going through this rock star lifestyle. He wasn’t the
kind of dad that helped me with my homework or showed me how to ride a bike
because he was out late with his friends drinking and partying. Nevertheless, I
totally idolized him. So the fact that he had long black hair, wore lots of
black with skulls and silver jewelry, hung out with leather-clad bikers, and
listened to heavy metal along with some industrial and goth, really appealed to
me. Some of the fondest memories I have of him actually spending time with me include
being about 6-7, riding in his backseat with "Bela Legosi's Dead" by
goth rock band Bauhaus playing loud, and its chanting of "undead, undead,
undead..." echoing in my ears. To this day, he will laugh and tell the
story of how he’d come home late at night (or early in the morning) and find
notes I left him telling him that I saw Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer” video on MTV.
Yes, the one with the infamous lyrics, “I wanna fuck you like an animal.” Parenthood
at its finest.
When I entered my preteen years and was filled not only with
hormones but also with angst over the unfair hand of life I'd been dealt, this
music cradled and soothed me in ways my broken home never could. It certainly
didn’t help that my dad took me to my first real concert in 7th grade, which
was goth metal band Type O Negative. That was it. I was hooked. All I wanted to
wear was black clothes, boots and dark red lipstick. All I wanted to do was sit
in my room and engross myself in all the underground goth music I could get my
hands on. The age of 14, from 2001-2002, was the peak for me. I got my first
tattoo (a band logo for Type O Negative coincidentally) and my lip pierced. I
shaved both sides of my long black hair into a Mohawk. I started smoking by
stealing my dad’s cigarettes. I got a fake ID and took the metro to goth clubs
with my friends. I went to New York to find more goth records and funeral
inspired clothing. I found beauty in cemeteries and horror movies. It consumed
me in every way.
While the music was a huge part of it and is something I
still listen to and enjoy to this day, that wasn’t all of it for me. It was
truly about embracing the darker side of life. It was a coping mechanism for
the pain I felt from being a child bounced around from one family member to
another, and never having a happy family like the other kids at school seemed
to. After never truly fitting in or being accepted by other kids, this scene
welcomed me with open arms. I could express myself and the dark emotions I was
dealing with. I could drown my sorrows with chain smoking clove cigarettes and
listening to bands like Christian Death and Southern Death Cult. I could go
down to my favorite club, Nation, and get drunk with my spooky friends and
dance like a weeping widow. It may sound kind of corny and silly to many, but
honestly it was FUN. I had the time of my life. I truly do not regret one
single thing about any of this. Eventually I grew out of it and wanted to be
tan and wear bright colors again. But this subculture will always be a part of
me and it made me who I am. Deep inside there will always be a little goth girl in me.
Looking at me today, you may never guess this about my past,
or that I still listen to this music all the time, even if I still wear dark lipstick
and prefer to wear black most of the time. I take pride in being a very multi-faceted
person with eclectic tastes. However, last October a friend of mine invited me
to this DC Fetish Ball event and it brought back so many memories. It had been
more than 10 years since I stepped foot into a goth club, but nothing had
changed. Everyone still danced by themselves and had a ball, regardless of how
they looked. People were still friendly and non-judgmental. The fashion was
still divine. And the music was still damn good. It revived a little piece of
me that I hadn’t seen in a while. It felt amazing.
However, I can’t share all this without also sharing the repercussions
that this alternative lifestyle had on me at the time. Not only was I stared at
everywhere I went and teased relentlessly in school, but some kids even wanted
to fight me and kick my ass just for being different. My family thought I was
in a cult and constantly ridiculed me. My dad, the very person responsible for
this entire ordeal, was so freaked out that he took the doorknob off my door so
I could no longer hide what I was doing. These things only reinforced the
disdain I felt for the conformity society expects of its sheep, and of course made
me rebel even more. I’m sure that any goth person, or person who doesn’t fit
in, can tell you that unacceptance is easy to brush off and get used to, but it
truly kind of hurts. People can be cruel, and it sucks that they really treat
you like a monster if you’re not like
them.
Fast forward to 2015, a time when rock n roll and being a bad ass
is cool, so corsets, leather jackets, black lipstick, neon colored hair, septum
piercings, ripped up clothes, S&M, and combat boots are all IN now. I
honestly wanted to die when I saw Kim Kardashian wearing a fucking Metallica
shirt. To be quite frank, it just pisses me off. Back when I dared to be an
individual before a majority of people wanted to too, I got hell for it. But
now that it’s trendy, it’s okay. Even though these things mean nothing to the
people who rock them nowadays (besides a fashion fad that will pass one day),
they were the very same people who used to bully us goths for being freaks. Oh,
the irony.
So while I am glad people have minds open enough to wear
edgy clothes and express themselves, in many ways it’s still equally as
repulsive and disturbing. My only hope is that perhaps acceptance will soon be
the new norm, and the gothic subculture will get credit for being as awesome as
it actually is, along with any other group traditionally outcasted by society.
Wishful thinking.
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